..........

My cousin (Chelsey, she's a year older than me), her friend, my aunt, and my grandma came to our house today.
Chelsey wanted to get her belly button pierced but the shitty piercing place in our town no longer pierces underage (under 18), so instead we ate at the DuBois Diner.

My grandma was drunk, and was saying off-the-wall things the whole time.
On the car ride to the car, I said I was vegetarian.
My Grandma: But you can still eat fish and chicken
Me: Umm....no. They're animals

After DuBois Diner, my cousin and her friend hung out in my room, talking about Chelsey's boyfriend, and looking at shit on YouTube.
I made little black eyeliner Xs on my eyes just like Frank Iero does, and my dad freaked out, screamed at me, and said I "look like death" and "there's more colors than black". Quoting him.

Should i take that as a compliment?
Me and my dad can never seem to get along, even with family based.
It sucks.

Warning: Entry contains self-harm talk, May trigger self-harmers....

I'm back, I'm alive, and I'm in one piece....sorta.
Yesterday, I got my mood stabilizer increased. Hopefully it will help.

At school, I have very few friends.
I don't know if I can even call them friends.
One girl is trying to shove relgion down my throat.
One girl is avoiding me for some reason.
My ex-best friends are history.
Although, this one kid named Evan in my Math class. I think he likes me.
In Math today, he talked to me about dreams.

It was nice. Someone actually wanted to talk to me. That's amazing.
I mean in real life, btw.
I know how much y'all love me.
Hanners (lots of hugs)

In Health class, we're talking about suicide. I told Mr.C (health teacher) about To Write Love On Her Arms, he looked it up online, and then told the whole class about what a great organzation it seems/is to be.

It's getting nicer weather outside. However, I leave on my long-sleeves. My scars are still showing. :D
That's a good thing for me. It shows me what I've been through.
i went for a walk afterschool.

Family based program is going....okay-ish.
It's hard to explain what I want to say.

hey

Hey. I just got into an argument with my parents.
I feel like a bitch now, and there's nothing left for me to live for.
I'll try as hard as I can to live through tonight.
I'm weak and vulnerable. And pathetic.

In other news, my mom made a Facebook.

so.....

Last night, after listening to Flyleaf's There For You, I had a breakdown and cried myself to sleep.
I keep having these mood swings. Depressive/suicidal, a bitch, giggly....
I keep trying to find something, to look forward to in the future, but I come back with nothing.
Tomorrow, I go back to school.
Fuck no!

moody

I feel VERY moody tonight for some reason.
Mom bought me a Snickers bar a few hours ago, so that put me in a better mood.
I would say some terrible things about myself here, but I don't want another break-down.

I think I could self-tattoo myself. I would make sure it would be a sanitary as possible.
A girl suggested to me using a needle and eyeliner or something.

Watching random MCR interviews and stuff of YouTube...
Bob: Mikey Way's phone number is- (interrupted)
Mikey: NOOOOO!
lmfao

Kwiz.Biz Kwiz!

What Will My Chemical Romance Try or Do To You?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Gerard will do/try to:	Ask Frank to join you and him
Mikey will do/try to:	take a shower with you
Ray will do/try to:	kiss your cheek
Bob will do/try to:	teach you how to hit frank over the head with drumsticks
Frank will do/try to:	sleep with you
They will All do/try to:	Group hug you
This fun quiz by CaN_yOu_StAkE_mY_hEaRt - Taken 8851 Times.

New - Dating Advice written by YOU!

....................

I have so much on my mind right now.
A ton of shit actually.
Should I stop cutting or not?

The Bads (Why I SHOULD stop)
1. uhmm....arguments with my parents
2. uhmmm...
Shit

The Goods (Why I can keep cutting)
I can go on, but I don't want to trigger nor 'promote' self harm
I keep trying to bribe myself to quit.

Like I have enough scars right now, instead of cutting, I'll get a piercing for each goal I make while stopping self harming.

For example:

Goal 1: To go self-harm free for two weeks
(It's very stressful right now, and lots of ppl get depressed in the winter)

My reward: a small piercing
Sorry, I suck at explaining things....

:( Frowns All Around WARNING: MAY TRIGGER

I was in a bad mood, went into a better mood, and now I'm back down.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This morning before I left for school, mom sat me down on the couch and started yelling at me cause one of my so-called friends told/called/contacted her, telling I was "engaging in lesbian-like behavior". FUCK OFF!!!!!!
Mom said that I was seen holding hands with another girl. I wasn't.
Maybe a little hug, but that was just what we all do.
And mom said if I was lesbian/bisexual, my family would be crushed.

So I left for school, cried the bus ride there, wrote some of a suicide note in my journal in Science class (no one read it nor saw it), sat through my other classes, cut my wrist only 1x in the school bathroom, cause other people were in the bathroom too before Health class.....

After lunch, I saw Stephani in the halls.
She really seems to like me, and I really like her.
I'm too scared to ask her out though.
I'll think I'll just stay single.

My life sucks because of my parents.
It's because of them, I cut myself. It's because of them, I thought of suicide.
Well, for today at least.

The school has NO RIGHT to invade on my privacy like this, do they?
I'm not even kidding, on Monday, I will curse out the guidance counselor. I KNOW she's been responsible for contacting my mom with all this information. Bitch deserves it. I thought I could trust her. But NO.

Stephani told me to text her. I think I'll be texting her all night. :)
I'm trying to stay alive for Stephy and my online friends.
I plan to stencil some t-shirts with band lyrics/logos and stuff and go to a thrift store or something.
Money's kinda tight at my house right now.

.......

I've been having trouble sleeping lately.
I keep waking up in the middle of the night.

At lunch I sat with a table of Twilight fan-girls. But some of them are nice to me. :)

I wish so much to meet my online friends in real life.
I'm still trying to figure out AIM.
Music (usually MCR) and my online friends always put me in a better mood. I'm trying to stay alive for them.

Quote of today:
"Flying Pez dispenser!"
-Hanners (Hannah)

Someone rescue me.
I trust y'all on Blogger.
western Pennsylvania. For now.

.....

Happy V-Day.
My mom got my brother and I candy for Valentines Day and cards. It was very nice of her.
Just listening to my Behemoth CD right now, and on Polyvore and stuff.
I'm in Writers Block which sucks ass!

Time for a REAL update

Well, this is an update. Finally.
Have been self-harm free for five days now. My moods are still bouncing around like a bitch, and I'm making my mom call my psychiatrist to see if I can get my mood stabilizer increased or something.
But I know pills can only do so much.
People keep staring at the scars on my wrists. For some reason, kids refer to me on the bus as "emo girl". Would they shut the fuck up!
Cutting isn't Emo.
Cutting is a psychiatric problem/disorder that's associated with many disorders- like depression (obviously), personality disorders, eatting disorders, etc.
I had to fill out this emotions questionare thing during math class. The school psychologist came for me the beginning of math class, took me down to one of the conference rooms, and I had to do this question thing with questions such as "I feel worthless"- never, sometimes, often, always and "People tell me I need to pay for attention- never, sometimes, often, or always.
Steve- a kid in Math class, called me Keishkey. :D
We had a pep rally at school today for winter sports. I hate school spirit.
On the bus ride home, just randomly I said "I'm a Mikeysaurus!", and everyone was laughing. xD
I just felt like saying that.
And Hanners (Hannah) is the most awesome girl ever. She always cheers me up, and I can trust her with anything.

...........

My real friends are the ones online.
They always put me in a better mood. If it wasn't for them, I doubt I'd be here right now.

Well I came home early from school today. My stomach and head are being a bitch.

Hi, everyone.
I'm bored, and in semi-writers block.
Yeah.
Black roses ARE AMAZING!
I wonder where I could find some....

I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. Yet. My mom thought it wise to take away my internet for a few days cause I failed a few tests. I have it back now, and I'm trying to catch up with everything.
Did I miss anything on Polyvore?

My fifteenth birthday is tomorrow. I'm just celebrating it with my family and cousins.
I'm fucking pumped for the new MCR album.
My moods have been bouncing around like a bitch, and I've had friendship problems at school. I might switch to cyber school if things don't turn around soon.

The last cut I made on myself was on Tuesday.
At karate on Wednesday, kids were talking about my wrists. :(

But.....I'm trying to feel safe now. I'm at home now, with my cousins coming soon- either tonight or tomorrow, and all my online friends at my side. I think.